Baby steps. I woke up from a nightmare that I'm about to lose my job. I found my 6 month old blackberry irrecoverable. It was completely dead. Murdered by caramel sauce. Gone. Scarlett O Hara could kiss it goodbye and I can start planning the funeral arrangements for the IT Manager to bury it 6 feet under the ground. I was afraid that would cost me USD 500 deduction from my salary. "Think on the bright side,'' I urged myself. Silence. "WHAT!" My mind went blank. I can't think of anything good out of this. "Maybe it's another sign."
Sulking for a few hours and almost cancelling movie plans with friends to see New Moon. I decided at the last minute that I should go instead of giving in to depression. Lunch, a movie with friends, book shopping and a scintillating coffee conversation catching up with my Uncle I rarely see, I would say I was more optimistic than I would have been if I had stayed home and basked in sulk fest. I wasn't able to resist a little bit of gossip and a little whining about my lack of fulfillment. I hope to do better tomorrow. Baby steps.
Sulking for a few hours and almost cancelling movie plans with friends to see New Moon. I decided at the last minute that I should go instead of giving in to depression. Lunch, a movie with friends, book shopping and a scintillating coffee conversation catching up with my Uncle I rarely see, I would say I was more optimistic than I would have been if I had stayed home and basked in sulk fest. I wasn't able to resist a little bit of gossip and a little whining about my lack of fulfillment. I hope to do better tomorrow. Baby steps.
It was easier than most days as we are currently on a one-week holiday. The morning went about smoothly until I indulged myself with a mid-day nap and woke up 5 hours later only to find a very very urgent message from my colleague for her nerve wrecking deadline. She panicked that I was not answering my phone, neither did I reply back so she went to the higher ups for advice. I replied to her 4 hours late and that was the time I broke the rule by screaming the F word out of sheer disappointment because I always respond immediately. I pulled myself together. A happy evening with friends and new acquaintances followed and by the end of the evening I found my blackberry floating in caramel sauce.
I found a contemplative spot in my soul listening to Yann Tiersen's Le Matin. The soothing caress of his music awakened a positivity similar to that of a little girl's. I was too preoccupied in desperate search of what I'm passionate about and too busy focused on what I detest in my daily undertakings that I failed to notice that in this tranquil moment, I am myself. With all its simplicity, I need not find anything. I could just be me. The calm resonates the wholeness in me and that is enough.
Guess what: I took the above image in La Tranche Sur Mer, La Vendee Region in France Dec 2007
I feel extraordinarily happy today. Maybe it is the weekend or the fact that I just played an inspiring song "Beautiful World (We're All Here) " after messing up a beef stew. I'm not a gifted one in the kitchen.
Being the eldest in the family back in my teens, I had to cook for my siblings. They had no choice but to eat whatever I prepare. Oh dear, I remember the chicken a la king I made after learning it in home economics class. I dumped two bars of butter in there. My three sisters and brother were enjoying their dishes and immediately right after the meal, they ran to the toilet.
I'm not sure why that memory popped into my head right now. Maybe it's the sorry beef stew waiting for me in the kitchen and missing my siblings at the same time.
I'm happy because I have a free day.
Being the eldest in the family back in my teens, I had to cook for my siblings. They had no choice but to eat whatever I prepare. Oh dear, I remember the chicken a la king I made after learning it in home economics class. I dumped two bars of butter in there. My three sisters and brother were enjoying their dishes and immediately right after the meal, they ran to the toilet.
I'm not sure why that memory popped into my head right now. Maybe it's the sorry beef stew waiting for me in the kitchen and missing my siblings at the same time.
I'm happy because I have a free day.
I intend to begin my search. I'm looking for the part of me that I lost along the way. The Firecracker, at least that's what an old acquaintance said. The energetic being that could light up a room with her presence unconsciously, emitting soothing courage and sparkling optimism. The little girl who can do anything, who believes anything is possible, the charming Cracker.
I don't like what I have become after two years of trying to fit in a world where the expectations are too high in the exchange of a more comfortable life. Tasks I hated the most that I needed to do consumed me with that continuous pounding pressure in my head to exert more. "Not good enough" constantly nagging in my head and in my sleep. I feel devoid of life like an empty shell.
I will attempt to at least send a flicker of light in this dark place. I need to find the Cracker. Yes, the energetic firecracker that could explode the room with laughter and exude limitless creativity.
I will find her.
I don't like what I have become after two years of trying to fit in a world where the expectations are too high in the exchange of a more comfortable life. Tasks I hated the most that I needed to do consumed me with that continuous pounding pressure in my head to exert more. "Not good enough" constantly nagging in my head and in my sleep. I feel devoid of life like an empty shell.
I will attempt to at least send a flicker of light in this dark place. I need to find the Cracker. Yes, the energetic firecracker that could explode the room with laughter and exude limitless creativity.
I will find her.
Bonjour & Welcome
Designers' Journal, Material Library and Works in Progress.
About Author
Arni Nauleau. Interior Architect. Artist. Coffee Addict.
You can also find me on the Hive Blog https://hive.blog/@discoveringarni
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